my disease

Ok, well I don't really have a disease. At least not one that I'm aware of or has been medically diagnosed. (The OCD was a self diagnosis, and while I play doctor on myself sometimes, I have no "actual" training.) What I do have is an allergy to, among other things, wheat and dairy products. Andrea would tell you I'm allergic to housework, but she's no doctor either. And I do my fair share(ish). Anyway, I have a wheat allergy. The typical conversation when I reveal this to someone goes along the lines of:

Me: "Yeah, it turns out I'm allergic to wheat."
Them: (scrunches up face like I just farted or something) "Oh my gosh! Really?! Man, that sucks."
Me: "I know, right? I can't eat dairy either."
Them: (mouth agape like a hungry baby robin) "What do you EAT?!!!"

Now, there are dozens of different ways to go with this. I could go with the "well, mostly twigs and berries that I find behind my house," but most people would know that I'd be making fun of them (which I would be). I've gone with "I eat a lot of Mexican," though if I'm feeling a little saucy, I throw an "s" on the end there just to see if they pick up on it. But mostly I just go with "a lot of meat and vegetables" because I'm a good little boy and I don't like making people uncomfortable. If you have something better (funnier, meaner, wittier) to say, let me know. This could be fun.

Contrary to what most people think, they're really are a lot of options left in the food world if you take out wheat and dairy. But what makes it nice for me is the options that it does take away. For instance, I haven't eaten at McDonald's in close to 10 years. It's not that I can't eat anything there, just that they didn't become the biggest restaurant (if you can call it that) in the world on the reputation of their salads. Not missing McDonalds. I haven't had a pop (or soda or Coke - whatever you call liquid candy) in a very long time. Even when I taste it now - it's awful. It's "burn my throat" awful. I imagine it's how whiskey tastes to normal people. I've never had whiskey, but when people drink it on the tv, they swallow, make this awful face like they just bit into an onion instead of an apple, and then shake like my dog does after she comes in from the rain. Let's just say I'll be staying away from that too. (Pop, not whiskey. Ok whiskey too.) Speaking of alcohol, I can't have beer either. Not that I drank it before I got my allergy, but it turns out to be an easy excuse.

Some schmuck at a nearby picnic: "Here - have a beer."
Me: "No thanks. I'm good."
schmuck: "Aw, come on. Just one."
Me: "No really. But thank you."
schmuck: "What are you, some kind of religious nut?"
Me: "Yeah."
schmuck: "Just have a beer."
Me: "No - I'm allergic to wheat. It would blow my face up like a balloon."
schmuck: "Oh, allright man. Here's a water."

So you see how it can come in handy. Now, this conversation never really happened (and my face doesn't blow up like a balloon when I eat wheat), but still. These allergies have turned out to be a real blessing. It's a little inconvenient at times, but overall I eat way better than I ever would have without the allergies. Plus, it keeps the weight off. I haven't been over 160 lbs since high school (my "husky" days - but that's a whole other story).

Ramble On...

why i hate the internet

Ok. I don't really hate the internet. There are a lot of good things about the internet. But being a hypochondriac, the internet is sometimes bad for me. WebMD is possibly the worst site I've ever encountered. You see, they have this symptom checker type thing whereby you put in what hurts, what aches, and what twitches, and it tells you what could possibly be wrong with you. Inevitably, whatever I put in, it always comes back that I have some sort of cancer or other incurable disease that will ruin my life (and/or end it). There's probably some disclaimer on the site somewhere that warns you about making your own diagnosis or some crap, but when I type in headache it shoots back brain tumor - I'm freaked out.

You know what's kind of like hypochondria? OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder, for those not in the know). How do you know if you have OCD? Here's my checklist:

• Do you check whether the doors are locked multiple times before leaving the house?
• Do you check whether the oven is off multiple times before leaving the house?
• Do you check whether the garage doors closes multiple times before pulling away from the house?
• Do you turn around at the end of the street to go back home to make sure either (a) the garage door is closed, (b) the oven is off, or (c) the doors are locked.
  

Check. Check. Check. All of the above.

Other things I obsess about? Water coming in the basement. My daughter suffocating because she sleeps on her stomach. What that sound was that I can't identify. Anything WebMD tells me. Why nobody likes me :( (Ok - that one's not true - how can you not like this?) For some reason, I worry all the time about what could happen even though that thing probably won't happen. Miraculously, I have no problem getting on planes. Even when the worst stuff happens, it's not so bad. We had some electricians hit the sprinkler line at our house in MD (on the second floor no less) causing water to flow onto the carpet/walls on the second floor and into the first floor ceiling. 3 days later, you couldn't tell it ever happened. Do I still obsess about it happening at my current house? Yep.

Ramble On...

what the hell was I thinking?

Describe scary: I am in charge of leading 31 people, including 12 middle/high schoolers, on a trip that involves driving from Cincinnati to Columbus, boarding a plane New York, then taking the subway 90 minutes to our intended destination. Oh yeah, and I can't lose any of them along the way. (Acceptable losses include whiny children, whiny adults, and people who just irritate me.)

Ok, I guess it's not that scary. I mean most of these people are adults or belong to adults who will be there. You would think most of them have travel experience. And I think of a few of them have even flown before! That's not fair - I don't really know how many have flown before. But can you see where it's a little daunting? I don't think it's the actual flying/subway ride that's scary, I think it's the number of people. 31. Half of the places I worked didn't have 31 employees!

Did I mention it's a missions trip? Yeah, doing the Lord's work. So there's no real reason to complain, I suppose. He (that's God) has gotten me through plenty of tough situations before - no reason He would fail me now. I think once we get there, it will be a great trip though. Admittedly, ministering to children is way easier than ministering to adults - and most of this trip will be interacting with children. Why is that? Why is it easier to tell children about God than it is to tell adults? Am I afraid the adult will think I'm stupid? Wouldn't be the first time. Am I afraid they will laugh. Been laughed at. Am I afraid they will hit me? That's just silly. So what is it? I think it really is that I am afraid of what people will think of me. Weren't we taught in 3rd or 4th grade to not care what other people think? So why do we? Why do we need everyone to like us? Or at least think we aren't nuts?

Back to the trip - I think harder than actually going on the trip is planning it. I have to worry about gathering all the money, making the plane reservations, getting transportation to the airport, making sure people pack light, but not too light, calling everybody when something changes....It's just tiring. Some have suggested that I delegate some of those tasks, but then instead of worrying about the actual task, I worry about the person I assigned it to. At least this way I have some semblance of control.

Well, if you got this far, you are a brave soul. Or just bored. If I could type as fast as mind races, this thing would have been about 20 times as long. Good for you then, I guess.

Til next time - Ramble On...