my disease

Ok, well I don't really have a disease. At least not one that I'm aware of or has been medically diagnosed. (The OCD was a self diagnosis, and while I play doctor on myself sometimes, I have no "actual" training.) What I do have is an allergy to, among other things, wheat and dairy products. Andrea would tell you I'm allergic to housework, but she's no doctor either. And I do my fair share(ish). Anyway, I have a wheat allergy. The typical conversation when I reveal this to someone goes along the lines of:

Me: "Yeah, it turns out I'm allergic to wheat."
Them: (scrunches up face like I just farted or something) "Oh my gosh! Really?! Man, that sucks."
Me: "I know, right? I can't eat dairy either."
Them: (mouth agape like a hungry baby robin) "What do you EAT?!!!"

Now, there are dozens of different ways to go with this. I could go with the "well, mostly twigs and berries that I find behind my house," but most people would know that I'd be making fun of them (which I would be). I've gone with "I eat a lot of Mexican," though if I'm feeling a little saucy, I throw an "s" on the end there just to see if they pick up on it. But mostly I just go with "a lot of meat and vegetables" because I'm a good little boy and I don't like making people uncomfortable. If you have something better (funnier, meaner, wittier) to say, let me know. This could be fun.

Contrary to what most people think, they're really are a lot of options left in the food world if you take out wheat and dairy. But what makes it nice for me is the options that it does take away. For instance, I haven't eaten at McDonald's in close to 10 years. It's not that I can't eat anything there, just that they didn't become the biggest restaurant (if you can call it that) in the world on the reputation of their salads. Not missing McDonalds. I haven't had a pop (or soda or Coke - whatever you call liquid candy) in a very long time. Even when I taste it now - it's awful. It's "burn my throat" awful. I imagine it's how whiskey tastes to normal people. I've never had whiskey, but when people drink it on the tv, they swallow, make this awful face like they just bit into an onion instead of an apple, and then shake like my dog does after she comes in from the rain. Let's just say I'll be staying away from that too. (Pop, not whiskey. Ok whiskey too.) Speaking of alcohol, I can't have beer either. Not that I drank it before I got my allergy, but it turns out to be an easy excuse.

Some schmuck at a nearby picnic: "Here - have a beer."
Me: "No thanks. I'm good."
schmuck: "Aw, come on. Just one."
Me: "No really. But thank you."
schmuck: "What are you, some kind of religious nut?"
Me: "Yeah."
schmuck: "Just have a beer."
Me: "No - I'm allergic to wheat. It would blow my face up like a balloon."
schmuck: "Oh, allright man. Here's a water."

So you see how it can come in handy. Now, this conversation never really happened (and my face doesn't blow up like a balloon when I eat wheat), but still. These allergies have turned out to be a real blessing. It's a little inconvenient at times, but overall I eat way better than I ever would have without the allergies. Plus, it keeps the weight off. I haven't been over 160 lbs since high school (my "husky" days - but that's a whole other story).

Ramble On...